I think I felt it once after I was in a head on car collision in 1991. I had just dropped off my 5 month old to the babysitter and as I was approaching Holly Ave, at approx 35MPH, the car coming in the opposite direction decided to make a left, well, directly in front of me. Time really isn't anything and a car crash can feel like an eternity if you are aware of that finite moment of it all. Yes, I did indeed feel my head go through the windshield, my skull made a particularly funny sound and even heard my knee caps crack against the dash. You're wondering what the fuck this has to do with depression? Well, I was fucked up for little bit after it happened, although at the time I was able to get out of my totaled Datsun, make my way over to the offending driver and bitch her the fuck out for what she caused. I hate having an overly rational mind, when blood is streaming down my face, glass shards hanging from my skin, yet still being able to bitch someone out for their wrong doings. ;)
Well, I was all cockeyed and the police explained I seek medical assistance immediately as it was clear I had a concussion. This mattered not as I had a full day of clients, that came first. Tick, tick, tick the body reacted and the pain I experienced the next 3 months is something I never ever want to recall again. This accident kept me away from running. Running as in putting in my 35-40 mile week duty was out of the question. When a person is kept from their inner joys or what helps them through stress, this I believe causes depression. But maybe I should not speak to this as obviously I'm not even close to being what is called clinical. All I know is since I could not run there was something missing and this missing in my happiness made me feel funny. That's the only way I can describe it. When you're stopped from doing what makes you happy, you find alternatives sure, been when you see a long road ahead that may prevent you from having your joy fulfilled, I can see why one would become sad.
Now, the reason I am speaking to this is because back in my mid 20's after divorce, I had to get what was called a "roommate". One of the shittiest experiences of ever having to share the same space with another human being; and mind you I had 4 siblings, ok. Now entering the realm of roommateism, this was my exposure to "personality pills". I didn't really understand Margo, I guess I sympathized with her more than anything. She had this far off look to her eyes, it was fucking bizarro. Beady eyes. I'm all about the fucking eyes watching dilation patterns and responses, blinking etc. I recall it was the summer of 1996 and she came home in the jolliest of moods I had ever witnessed. I wasn't sure how to respond except be happy for her. Her words: "D, my doc me a new prescription, I'm so glad." I was confused. My reply, "Are you feeling sick, what anti-biotic?" "No, a new medicine called Prozac!" Yup that was my into to that whole fucking weird world of pills and the happily doped zombie of the 90's. I really can't even sum it up now, but when she was off the meds, she was scary as fuck. I would bail to my friend Dave's house for the weekend just so I wouldn't suffer her tyrannical wrath. Yes, Prozac...Lithium a la light! Was she a depressed person or possibly suffered a mild case of mental illness? I don't know.
As year went on, I met many Margo's after that but of different variety. I'm really bad with names but I think I met Clonazepam girl in 2007 an entire decade later after disastrous roommate debacle. Although I wasn't sure why she took this med, she was on it. Once again, same bullshit....happy as fuck on it, absolute nightmare off it. I popped a lot of Valium in high school out of boredom and fun, but nothing of the sort since. I will suffer and do everything in my power to work through whatever headache or seasonal garbage before I go pop anything. Why has this happened? Have these people who were grown adults fallen into boredom like I did as a kid? I'm no Einstein but I knew better than to take a pill because the advertisement offered a hot dude and puppy! What a strange set of humans the system has created since 1991. I thought possibly the yuppie was the end of societal problems, you know thinking the intelligent could possibly rise above, yea, no. I never thought of life working out to be some sort of zombie movie, moving around these people who seem like hallow shells. My parents talked about people as "space cadets", maybe that was my zombie of their time. How weird this all is. I know there are people who aren't zombies, but when does it balance out and do I feel responsible to contributing to this mentality even though I have had nothing to do with it?
So after chow chowing this out, I don't think what I suffered should be classified as depression but more of no will to power. If I can't do the things I want, I become sad. That's no way to live, so I do the things I want. The Universal Dream Balance. Love, seek, seek out, do, live.....be!
Beyond the obvious, what has happened to this world? I'm sucha weirdo living amongst cool people who pop pills and watch TV.
What a weird thing but, it all passes.
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| Hmmm....vicious and cycled. |
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