misses?

i didn't mean to drop everything. i simply lost it all. now in the midst of what most would consider complete chaos, i humbly type away in bliss and dear gd how i have missed my art buddies. i started crying at a friends opening last night. so freaking uncalled for. he said, "darce, is it the middle age thing?" he is always great with curbing my worst moments and as i stood in a circled crowd of 6 strangers, i replied, "i'm just so happy to be back." naturally, he chuckled and said, "d, you're nuts!"

i have no home, i am wandering for another week and possibly turning out some of my most effective work...art, and word wise. i almost committed couple suicide and i think i'm going to manage to coin that term. on the energetic plane, there are people who should not even engage each other even if when there's some smidgen of cohesion. NO! when you know, your mind will know, even if you're stuck with a gas lighting freak. and when the heart knows and you think the mind is playing trick, your body will continue to shut down. i'm a firm believer that some long term married couples kill each other.

you hear these romantic stories, "oh my grandfather died 1 month after my grandmother." 

well.

yea, well, why do you think? g-pa couldn't sustain the energy he be sappin from granny!! i know harsh, but i'm sorry, as am a ridiculous romantic and would love above all things to have such a grand love, but that shit, all it says to me is failed attempt at being self.

where i have seen in my mind what would be a healthy spiritual connection was my grandmother. my dad's dad (wow, horrific grammar) died ridiculous early. I think my father was just leaving for Korea when his dad passed of a massive heart attack. my grandmother who was blessed with a deep sense of spirituality, told me when i was little, "honey, you're grandpa never left and that is why i don't re-marry." obviously, i was overly curious at a young age, asking her why she doesn't want another husband. mind you it had been at least 20 years and well, she never remarried. it took my til my  mis-teens to realize what she meant.

i know this post has completely derailed, but the point is, energy is energy and we all have a match to our own. it's a self respect thing to keep you own life force and allow the rest to flow, regardless if you want to stay in coupledom or not. i suppose that's why divorce is a huge ass, business industry....oh, just like marriage.  ahhahahahaaa....sorry, that makes me chuckle.

dear gd, i miss so much and i don't have to miss anything ever again. it simply "is" and no one can take that away. :)   .....now where was i? oh yea, painting.....